Time to reflect and take stock

I have been taking stock a lot lately about how lost and empty i have become.

At this time of year i get to thinking about my son, my girls, my family and my life, and it finally dawned on me the other day that it will be three years this January since we said goodbye to my son mark , 3 years already, wow.

Then i get a second kick in the gut when i realised how much time has been wasted, how much of ourselves we have lost to grief, anger, weakness and pain and how much less we are than the people we were before.

Dont get me wrong, this blog post is not about self pity, its simply a wake up call and my expression of it.

Grief or loss wakes you up to things you took for granted before, it helps you see so much clearer what is important in life and how trivial the small issues really are.

My youngest daughter and i were having a heart to heart the other day about a period of time where our friends and loved ones felt it was a safe time to tell us (individually and at seperate times ) just how different we'd become and not in a good way, like wed lost our personalities and the love for life ect.

Well in hindsight its fair to say they were right in a way, only we didnt see it as a bad thing, how could they possibly understand the emptiness we were feeling or the way we had learned to blow off the trivial things that to be fair were still part of their everyday life.

When you are affected by loss or grief, its almost as if you've been touched, sectioned out from everyone else who has never been through it.
You put up barriers and become very self contained, your main concern is your loved ones and making sure they are ok and coping despite any little dramas going on around you.
It kind of becomes a non intentional selfish barrier, although saying that, it certainly doesnt stop you from being aware of others problems and troubles, but deciphering whats genuine and whats trvial becomes second nature in deciding whether to act or get involved.

The tole something like this has on families and indeed individuals is very different for everyone, but for us, we became lost sheep and for the most part were still wandering.

 My eldest daughter, her life has been put on hold, she cant seem to move forward, shes so engulfed in the pain and anger and loss thats shes just stuck,luckily she has good friends who support her.
She has a job interview on friday so fingers crossed that's the start of her moving forward with her life :).

My youngest daughter has been very lucky in the respect that she has outside interests to keep her going, she goes to Uni and works Three nights a week, has a good man who loves her and a great circle of friends to support her.
That said, i still worry about her as shes so deep and they will both keep things from me rather than upset me with it, sad but true, they love me so much.

My husband has basically shut himself off in his own world, hes kept his fishing hobby which gives him a break and a chance to be with old friends and he enjoys a drink with our friends on a saturday but the lads keep pretty much to themselves.

Hes lost his love for D.I.Y, he loved to be busy, making things either in the home or for the garden but thats long gone, he actually gets annoyed when hes asked to do something like decorating ect and weve both become pretty laid back about both the house and garden which is so unlike us.

Me, well i just feel like ive had the stuffing knocked out of me, i find it so hard to stay focussed these days, i get confused easily and suffer from anxiety when trying something new or going out anywhere.
Ive had back issues for yrs but because of my lack of exercise or getting out my weight has ballooned and so the back problems have worsened, making everyday house hold chores a painful effort for me.
My husband does all the main heavy chores bless him.

So how does one try to pick up the pieces after something like this ?
One step at a time, literally.

I will address my own issues and try to involve the rest of the family in it, hoping to encourage them to want to try the same or similar efforts to get back into the land of the living with me.
Naturally they will do their own thing in their own time but hopefully if i set some goals for myself they will be supportive and join me.

For me its about going back to basics,
Getting back into some routine at home would be a big help, 
a cleaning schedule and organization are top priority.
Then we need to address a healthy eating plan, its hard on a tight budget but if we pull together for meal ideas we should pull it off.
Then getting out of this house more often, short walks, visiting friends and family would not only help with my weight but will stop me from feeling hemmed in a lot of the time.
A gentle or fun exercise regime is a must, must try to rope friends and family in on it for support as i get bored easily.
Building up my confidence and setting myself small challenges should help with anxiety and help my memory or to stay more foccussed.
Still look for work and encourage my hubby to do the same as it can get a bit soul destroying after a while with no luck.
Keep my website and this blog updated with more personal posts and achievements to help me to succeed and challenge myself more.

If you have experienced anything similar and have managed to come out the other end and rebuild your lives, id love to hear about it.
Thanks for reading xxx